Throughout the process of writing the grand finally.

It is been three years now, to be more precise, three years and 14 days, since everything started mutating in an unhealthy way, losing many of my abilities, to be accurate, losing myself, I have been struggling and fighting this for soo long I sometimes stop counting, and I cannot see myself going anywhere near goodness or anything would even relate to it, it is getting darker day after day, and I am stuck there, in this infinite darkness and all it is doing is eating my soul, or what is left of it.

If I want to start talking about the amount and type of thoughts I have everyday, whether at night or at the daylight, I can darken your soul as well, so please, be careful reading all this, because all I am doing now is turning all my dark thoughts to words so I can share them somehow and for others to try to experience what I am going through. Since I am a silent person most of the time and a frown is drawn on my face almost continuously, people cannot really tell what is happing nor they are able to tell if I am feeling good or not. It is just that I feel it is extremely difficult for me to phrase my thoughts and feelings into words and sentences, I even sometimes get shocked by them while trying to let them out, maybe it is because like ninety percent from those who are around me won’t be able to understand those thoughts the way I do, maybe because they do not have enough amount of information to actually comprehend what they are supposed to express and how they feel and this barrier always manage to stop me from expressing myself or what I am thinking about, for the sake of not being judged or misunderstood, avoiding this will save me a lot of pain out of overthinking which I cannot handle anymore of it in the meanwhile.

Since the last time I wrote something on this blog – which was actually about Al-Rafeeq, not me – I have been trying to write something else, to try to let out all the pain and sorrows inside my brain and body, for the sake of stopping all the aches which are conquering my body and making my life harder and harder.

Since we are talking about pain, let us go there for a while, let me try to describe this for you so you can manage to understand the amount of struggle I’m into. So as I have described it to Al-Rafeeq, it feels like teeth pain, it is huge though it is suppressed, you cannot let it all out yet you cannot take it all out, it just sticks there and keeps on killing you and weaken your body to the maximum, yet unlike any other pain, the type of pain I feel in my body seems to be impossible to get rid of as if it is trying it’s best to weaken my body to death, or what I will be talking about later on this blog, trying to get me to kill myself with my own hands.

Anyway, this is the best way for me to try to explain what type pain I’m going through physically, I wish there is anyway to express how strong this pain is and how much it is making my life harder, sometimes I end up crying because I really cannot take it anymore, it is killing me slowly, stopping me from even trying to enjoy any moment of anything whatever you name it. Wallah I wish I can wake up one day and this all goes away and never come back it is just so hard wallah. No matter how hard I try to run away from it, it keeps pulling me back even harder with even more intense amount of pain than before.

Sorrows, I have been using this word quite a lot it started to feel like any other word that is commonly used throughout your day, it is just stuck here, sabotaging every moment of my day, it pups out from everything, everywhere.

Byplay, while writing this blog, I am still not writing everything I am currently thinking about, you have no idea how hard is it for me to just let everything out easily, there is a war going inside my brain, and it is killing me one day.

Back to where we were; Sorrows, I have been experiencing sorrows for so long it become my comfort zone, can you imagine how bad it is now, I cannot even think of it leaving anytime soon, and I guess I will just have to live with it until it actually decides to leave by itself.

I can tell how random I go while writing, as I know my thoughts are messy and just pushing to get out.

Do you know evanescence’s song, where it says “there’s just too much the time cannot erase”? this is how it is going, time has passed though nothing has changed, not the severity of the pain not the amount of sorrows which company it, and it only grows bigger and bigger.

Sometimes I hate how random I go when I talk, when I am in a state of expressing what is going in my mind, but since you actually decided to come in and read this, you have to bare all the randomness in this blog, it is just a miserable attempt to let some of what is going inside my head.

I’m going to end this here, because I really can’t keep on writing, the more I write the worse I feel, I’m just going to ask you to wish me luck in this war I’m in, it is soo brutal I do not think I will come out of it in one piece, that if I ever get out of it.

To Al-Rafeeq

You're the last person on earth that meant to be a loser. nor you are the one who should think like that.
Everytime I think about the fact of having you, I think of how strong you actually make me, You came to me when I was in my worst cases
you stood by my side, and took me out of the hell I was living in, regradless that it still hurts, the burns I got from everything, and everyone
I litraly have nothing to believe in but you, I've tried everything with everyone, and nothing worked, NOTHING!
You are the very best person to know that I'm too tired to hold on anything, yet, allah is giving me enough power to hold on on you
I can barely hold on anything. You are the only thing that gives me hope, you are the only reason I quite doing anything that could effect you
in a way or another.
If you really think that you'll actually live alone, believe me , YOU ARE SO WRONG, I don't have to swear over anything, but I'm 2900% sure
I'm not leaving you no matter what, I really thank allah for giving you to me, and this time I'm not losing you, I'm done looking for someone to kneel to.

If you don't need help, I need help, and you are the only person who can actually help me.
You are the only person who knows what pain I'm in, you are the only person I text at 3 am when I'm crying, because you're the only person who'll tab on my back and ask me to calm down instead of blaming me for doing many things

You take my hand and push me to do what I have to do

And after all you've done to me, it was my turn to give back to you.
You are the only person I feel like I need to give back to him for the rest of my life, and wallahi, no matter what I do, I always feel
like I've done nothing, and always feel like I need to do more.

PLEASE, stay with me, and I promise with all my heart, I'll didecate my heart to you, and so as my brain, I'll give you everything I have
or whatever I could ever have.

I'll hold your hand to the end of the way, I'll keep on pushing you to your limits, I'll show you your way, and make sure you'll walk it
no matte what.

Every person on this fucked up planet god has sent him someone to take care of and stay by his side, and I believe that I'm the one for you

I'll give you whatever it takes, so YOU can reach what you're aiming for.

And believe me, I wouldn't do all of that, unless I'm BELIEVING in YOU.

I belive in all the power and enthusiasm you have, I belive of all the great thoughts you have in your mind, and I believe that WE can do it to "fucking" gather.

Those tears you dropped, feels worse than hell to me, and I'll do everything I can to make it the very last time.

???? ????? ??????

I am here for YOU
and will always be.
I'm just a little bit tired, same as you. So if sometimes you feel like I'm giving up, be sure I'm not, I'm just gathering up my shit again
to come back and hold you and put you on your feet again.


I don't remember the last time I loved someone the same way I loved you. so please don't take everything from me. Because YOU ARE everything to me, wallah you should see Hamzeh talking about how much I love you, he even said he wish that I can love him the way I love you…
This made me happy and sad at the same time. I'll just explain this later.

But what I see, that everyone is seeing how much I love you, the way I talk about you, the spreakls in my eyes whem I'm telling about you
the amount of passion in my tune.

I'll be giving you all this love by being sure, that YOU WILL REACH the person you are aiming to be.

Together we stand ya Rafeeq, Devided we fucking fall.

Being my own psychologist


I have no idea why you decided to click on the link and read what I’ve wrote; anyway, let this blog be an answer for all your questions that you’ve been asking for a really long time.

It has been a really long time since I last wrote a blog to talk about what’s going inside my head, maybe because I’m already running from what’s happening inside my head, or maybe whenever I recall all the maters and thoughts which felling my head, it only makes everything bad and makes me feel even worse, it’s been almost 9 months since the last huge bad event I’ve faced in my life, losing what I’ve been building my life for, discovering that some people who keep on telling you that they’ll stay by your side forever are a complete liars, hating some songs like “يا حلو شو بخاف إنّي ضيّعك”, and hating many other things while they used to be the prettiest things in your life, hating places, songs, colors, quotes, characters, even any small event which will remind you of someone who let you down while you’ve done a lot to him/her.

I’ve witnessed a lot of bad things in the past 9 months, I’ve seen how bad people actually are, I’ve seen all kinds of people, and it only made me more terrified from what’s coming, I’ve reached a lever where I’ve actually lost hope in everything, even sometimes my family, the ONLY one person I’m left with is my mother, I went back on becoming the little kid who’s crying because his mom left him in school alone in the first day, afraid, not safe, feeling like everything is about to steal his body piece by piece, that kids who only feels safe while he’s in home around his mothers, I’ve lost the ability to talk, to express my thoughts which are killing me.


The last time I’ve actually talked to someone about how bad I feel was when I was talking to my imaginary friend “صفية”, and I’ve reached a level when I thought that even “صفية” got bored from me and my situation, I’m completely convinced that no matter I tell people and speak myself up it won’t effect me and it’ll only make things worse, I’ve tried everything, I’ve tried fighting myself, I’ve tried thinking about anything other things to make myself busy, it’s just not working at all. I’ve been suffering sorrows since more than two years, I used to be a bit better, I used to feel better when someone only do simple things to make me and I used to get better, now I’ve completely lost the taste in everything, almost nothing makes me feel better, everything sounds usual to me, I’ve lost interest in everything.


Since 3 months, I started to get even worse, I lost the ability to sleep, even mom noticed that, I’m always dead tired, my brain is killing me, I literally have no control on my thoughts, yet I wasn’t telling anyone, hiding everything inside, as I always do. at the end, all that hiding turned on me, I’ve tried meeting new people, but apparently, they’er only worse than other ones, I’ve only got worse by knowing them, and yes, everyone red this part and thought of himself, yes, you’re one of them, because you won’t think about yourself unless you know you’ve hurt me once.



You’re the only positive thing I’ll be talking about, thank you for being there for me, thank you for what all you’re trying to do, thank you for containing me, and for all your efforts in making me feel better.


Recently I got really worse, I started yelling while I’m sleeping and getting muscles pain every time I wake up, I’m taking pills, anti-depressin, it worked somehow with me but it makes me feel exhausted, so I stopped them and actually now I’m on them, I can’t take it anymore, I’m really not okay, I’m completely not okay, stress is and overthinking are making me go crazy, I’m really weak, I’ve never felt that weak in my entire life, I’m even afraid of getting sick, because I don’t know what will happen then, I’ve lost myself, Hasan, I don’t think I’m in a level that words will have any effect on me, I need some real help, my brothers are far away from me, my old friends aren’t feeling anymore like close friends, almost everyone is feeling like a stranger to me, my state of mind aren’t well and it won’t be well for a long time.


I don’t know where I’m going, I trying to hold into the last bit of strength I’m left with to keep on backing myself up.

P.S. Rafeeq, I’m counting on you.


(17-Jan-2017 11:52 PM Ma’an)




Me while diving in The Forty Rules of Love

When I started reading this book, The Forty Rules Of Love, I started writing this blog, that was almost 4 weeks ago. Whenever I pass by a phrase which had an impact on me, I used to write down the page number that’s it’s in it, and at the end of each day, I open this blog, it was drafted back then, and write the phrase in it, so as the forty rules, I had a really awesome experience reading this book, it had a huge impact on my heart and on the way I love, it showed me love in another way, it made me realise that love could be whole separated world which you can amazingly live in it, enjoy each and every moment of it. Those who miss love in their lives should definitely start reading this book, Love is what we need in our lives to make it better, to make it even easier to live.

It was always like this. When you spoke the truth, they hated you. The more you talked about love, the more they hated you. Page – 33.

Rule – The Path of the Truth is labor of the heart, not of the head. Make your heart your primary guid! Not your mind. Meet, challenge, and ultimately prevail over your nafs with your heart. Knowing yourself will lead you to the knowledge of God. Page – 40.

Rule – Each and every reader comprehends the Holy Qur’an on a different level in tandem with the depth of his understanding. There are four levels of insight. The first level is outer meaning and it is the one that the majority of the people are content with. Next is the Batini–the inner level. Third, there is the inner of the inner. And the fourth level is so deep it cannot be put into words and is therefore bound to remain indescribable. Page – 50.

So you see, don’t judge the way other people connect to God, Page – 51.

Love is the water of life – Rumi, Page – 54.

Rule – You can study God in everything and everyone on the universe, because God is not confined in a mosque, synagogue, or church. But if you are still in need of knowing where exactly His adobe is, there is only one place to look for Him: in the heart of a true lover. Page – 58.

Rule – Intellect and love are made of different materials. Intellect ties people in knots and risks nothing, but love dissolves all tangles ad risks everything. Intellect is always cautious and advises, ‘Beware too much ecstasy’, whereas love says, ‘Oh, never mind! Take the plunge!’ Intellect does not easily break down, whereas love can effortlessly reduce itself to rubble. But treasures are hidden among ruins. A broken heart hides treasures. Page – 66.

Rule – Most of the problems of the world stem from linguistic mistakes and simple misunderstanding. Don’t ever take wards face value. When you step into the zone of love, languages as we know it becomes obsolete. That  which cannot be put into wards only be grasped through silence. Page – 66.

Rule – Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are in the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is best to find a person. the person who will be your mirror. Remember, only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you. Page – 72.

Rule – Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied. Page – 73.

Rule – Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to be farsighted enough to  trust the end results of a process. What does patience mean? It means to look at the throne and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be so shortsighted as to not be able to see the outcome. The lovers of God never run out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full. Page – 74.

Rule – The midwife knows that when there is no pain, the way for the baby cannot be opened and the mother cannot give birth. Likewise, for a new Self to be born, hardship is necessary. Just as a clay needs to go through intense heat to become strong, Love can only be perfected in pain. Page – 86.

Rule – The quest of for Love changes us. There is no seeker among those who search for Love who has not matured on the way. The moment you start looking for Love, you start to change within and without. Page 87.

Rule – There are more fake gurus and false teachers in this world than the number os starts in this visible universe. Don’t confuse power-diven, self-centered people with true mentors. A genuine spiritual master will not direct your attention to himself or herself and will not expect absolute obedience or utter admiration from you, but instead will help you to appreciate and admire your inner self. True mentors are as transparent as glass. They let the light of God pass through them. Page – 88.

Rule – Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you used to is better than the one to come?. Page – 101.

Rule – God is busy with the completion of your work, both outwardly and inwardly. He is fully occupied with you. Every human beings is a work in progress that is slowly but inexorably moving toward perfection. We are each an unfinished work of are both waiting and striving to be completed. God deals with each of us separately because humanity is a fine are skilled penmanship where every single dot is equally important for the entire picture. Page – 102.

Rule – It is to easy to perfect God, unblemished and infallible that He is. What is far more difficult is to love fellow human beings with all their imperfections and defects. Remember, one can only know what one is capable of loving. There is no wisdom without love. Unless we learn to love God’s creation, we can neither truly love nor truly know God. Page – 110.

Rule – Real faith is the one inside. The rest is simply washes off. There is only one type of dirt that cannot be cleaned with pure waters, wand that is the stain of hatred and bigotry contamination the soul. You can purify your body through abstinence and fasting, but only love will purify your heart. Page – 111.

Rule – The whole world is contained within a single human being–you. Everything that you see around, including the things you might not fond of and even the people you despise or abhor, is present within you in varying degrees. Therefore, do not look for Sheitan outside yourself either. The devil is not an extraordinary force that attacks from without,   IT is an ordinary voice within. If you get to know yourself fully, facing with honesty and hardness both your dark and bright sides, you will arrive at a supreme form of consciousness. When a person knows himself or herself, he or she knows God. Page – 112.

Rule – If you want to change the way others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn might throw you, It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses. Page – 135.

Rule – Fret not the road will take you. Instead concentrate on the first step. That’s the hardest part and that’s what you are responsible for. Once you take that step let everything do what it naturally does and the rest will follow. Do not go with the flow. Be the flow. Page – 136

Rule – We were all created in His image, and yet we were each created different and unique. No two people are alike. No two hearts beat to the same rhythm. If God had wanted everyone to be the same, He would have made it so. Therefore, disrespecting difference and imposing your thoughts on the others is tantamount to disrespecting God’s holy scheme. Page – 140.

Rule – When a true lover of God goes into a tavern, the tavern becomes his chamber of preyer, but when a wine bibber goes into the same chamber, it becomes his tavern. In everything we do, it is our hearts that make the difference, not our outer appearances. Sufis do not judge other people on how they look or who they are. When a Sufi stares at someone, he keeps both eyes closed and instead opens a third eye– the eye that sees the inner realm. Page – 141.

Rule – The human being has a unique place among God’s creation. “I breathed into him of My Spirit” God says. Each and every one of us without exception is designed to be God’s delegate on earth. Ask yourself. just how often do you behave like a delegate, if you ever do so? Remember, it falls upon each one of us to discover the divine spirit inside and live by it. Page – 181.

Rule – Hell is in the here and now. So is heaven. Quit worrying about hell or dreaming about heaven, as they are both present in this very moment. Everytime we fall in love, we ascend to heaven. Everytime we hate, envy, or fight someone, we tumble straight into the fires of hell. Page – 182.

Rule – The universe is one being. Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all in a silent conversation. Do no harm. Practice compassion. And do not gossip behind anyone’s back—not even a seemingly innocent remark! The words that come out of our mouths do not vanish but are perpetually stored in the infinite space, and they will come back to us in due time. One man’s pain will hunt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone smile. Page – 207

Rule – The world is like a snowy mountain that echoes your voice. Whatever you speak, good or evil, will somehow come back to you. Therefore, if there is someone who harbors il thoughts about you, saying similarly bad things about him will only make matters worse. You will be locked in a vicious circle of malevolent energy. Instead for forty days and nights say and think nice things about that person.. Everything will be different at the end of the forty days, because you will be different inside. Page – 211.

Rule – The past is an interpretation. The future is an illusion. The world does not move through time as if it were a straight line, proceeding from the past to the future. Instead time moves through and within us, in endless spirals. Eternity does not mean infinite time, but simply timelessness. If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment. Page – 216.

Rule – Destiny doesn’t mean that your live has been strictly predetermined. Therefore, to leave everything to fate and to not actively contribute to the music of the universe is all-pervading and it is composed on forty different levels. “Your destiny level is where you will play your tune. You might not change your instrument but how well to play is entirely in your hands.”. Page – 221.

Rule – The true Sufi is such that even when he is unjustly accused, attacked, and condemned from all sides, he patiently endures, uttering not a single bad word about any of his critics. A Sufi never apportions blame. How can there be opponents or rivals or even “others” when there is no “self” in the first place? How can there be anyone to blame when there is only one?. Page – 225.

Rule – If you want to strengthen your faith, you will need to soften inside. For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather. Through an illness, accident, loss, or fright, one way or another, we all are faced with incidents that teach us how to become less selfish and judgmental, and more compassionate and generous. Yet some of us learn the lesson and manage to become milder, while some others end up becoming even harsher than before. The only way to get closer to Truth is to expand your heart so that it will encompass all humanity and still have room for more love. Page – 244.

Rule – Nothing should stand between you and God. Not imams, priests, rabbis, or any other custodians of moral or religious leadership. Not spiritual masters, not even you faith. Believe in your values and your rules, but never lord them over others. If you keep breaking other people’s hearts, whatever religious duty you perform is no good. “Stay away from all sorts of idolatry, for they will blur your vision. Let Gpd and only God be your guide. Learn the Truth, my friend, but be careful not to make a fetish out of your results.”. Page – 246.

Rule – While everyone is this world strives to get somewhere and become someone, only to leave it all behind after death, you aim for the supreme stage of nothingness. Live this life as light and empty as the number zero. We are no different from a pot. It is not the decoration outside but the emptiness inside that holds us straight. Just like that, it is not what we aspire to achieve but the consciousness of nothingness that keeps us going.”. Page – 266.

Rule – Submission does not mean being weak or passive. it leads to neither fatalism not capitulation. Just the opposite. True power resides in submission—a power that comes from within. Those who submit to the divine essence if life will live in unperturbed tranquility and peace even when the whole wide world goes through turbulence after turbulence. Page – 292.

Rule – In this  world, it is not similarities or regularities that take us step forward, but blunt opposite. And all the believers need to meet the unbelievers residing within. And the nonbelievers should get to know the silent faithful in him. Until the day one reaches the stage if Insan-i Kamil, the perfect human being, faith is gradual process and one that necessitates its seeming opposite: disbelief. Page – 309.

Rule – This world is erected upon the principles of reciprocity. Neither a drop of kindness nor a speck of evil will remain reciprocated. Fear not the plots, deceptions, or tricks of other people. If somebody is getting a trap, remember, so is God. He is the biggest plotter. Not even a leaf is outside God’s knowledge. Simply and fully believe in that. Whatever God does, He does  beautifully. Page – 330.

Rule – It’s never too late to ask yourself, ‘Am I ready to change the live I’m living? Am I ready to change within?’ “Even if a single day of your life is the same as the day before, it surely is a pity. At every moment and with each new breath, on should be renewed and renewed again. There is only one way to be born into a new life: to die before death. Page – 336.

Rule – While the parts change, the whole always remain the same. For every thief who departs this world, a new one is born. And every decent person who passes away is replaced by a new one. In this way not only does nothing remain the same but also nothing ever really changes. For every Sufi who dies, another is born somewhere. Page – 343.

Rule – A life without love os of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divin or mundane, Eastern or Western . . . Divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definition, It is what is it, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover isa soul of fire!, The universe turns different when fire loves water. Page – 350

Abdullah Al-Faqeir, 11-Aug, 10-Sep/2014

The Forty Rules Of Love, Elif Shafak. Latest version

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يجلس وحيداً، تكاد الساعة تقترب من الثالثة فجراً، ملتقطاً هاتفه الذكي بكلتى يديه، ويقوم بكتابه بعض التغريدات، عسى ان يجد في هذا ما يشغله، يكتب ويكتب، ويبقى عقله منشغلا بملايين الاشياء التي يحاول جاهداً التخلص منها، ولكنها تتشبث به، كأنها طفل متشبثٌ بأمه، يرفض ان يتركها، ولا يدعها ترتاح قليلاً من العبئ الذي على كاهلها من هموم الدنيا وهموم الحياة.

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رد على مقال – احمد الشقيري يسقط في خواطر ١٠

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم والسلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته،

اكتب هذه المدونة كرد على اللذي ذكر في مقال وعنوانه “احمد الشقيري يسقط في خواطر ١٠

اول نقطة يجب توضيحها : الاستاذ احمد الشقيري ((ليس)) داعية ولا يمد للدعاة بصلة بتاتا.

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أتدرون تلك اللحظة، التي يستملكك شخصُ ما بحبه، يأسر تفكيرك، يحد من تحركاته خوفاً من تعكير مزاجك، أتدرون من هو؟، نعم، انه الصديق, الصديق الذي يُنعِم الله عليك به، شخصٌ يقال له اخٌ او أخت، دون ان يحمل باقي اسمك، لكنه يحمل كل ما يمكن حملانه من تعبٍ ومعاناة وخوف ,حتى أكثر من اخيك الذي يحمل اسمك، يأتيك من اللا مكان، Continue reading