I have no idea why you decided to click on the link and read what I’ve wrote; anyway, let this blog be an answer for all your questions that you’ve been asking for a really long time.
It has been a really long time since I last wrote a blog to talk about what’s going inside my head, maybe because I’m already running from what’s happening inside my head, or maybe whenever I recall all the maters and thoughts which felling my head, it only makes everything bad and makes me feel even worse, it’s been almost 9 months since the last huge bad event I’ve faced in my life, losing what I’ve been building my life for, discovering that some people who keep on telling you that they’ll stay by your side forever are a complete liars, hating some songs like “يا حلو شو بخاف إنّي ضيّعك”, and hating many other things while they used to be the prettiest things in your life, hating places, songs, colors, quotes, characters, even any small event which will remind you of someone who let you down while you’ve done a lot to him/her.
I’ve witnessed a lot of bad things in the past 9 months, I’ve seen how bad people actually are, I’ve seen all kinds of people, and it only made me more terrified from what’s coming, I’ve reached a lever where I’ve actually lost hope in everything, even sometimes my family, the ONLY one person I’m left with is my mother, I went back on becoming the little kid who’s crying because his mom left him in school alone in the first day, afraid, not safe, feeling like everything is about to steal his body piece by piece, that kids who only feels safe while he’s in home around his mothers, I’ve lost the ability to talk, to express my thoughts which are killing me.
The last time I’ve actually talked to someone about how bad I feel was when I was talking to my imaginary friend “صفية”, and I’ve reached a level when I thought that even “صفية” got bored from me and my situation, I’m completely convinced that no matter I tell people and speak myself up it won’t effect me and it’ll only make things worse, I’ve tried everything, I’ve tried fighting myself, I’ve tried thinking about anything other things to make myself busy, it’s just not working at all. I’ve been suffering sorrows since more than two years, I used to be a bit better, I used to feel better when someone only do simple things to make me and I used to get better, now I’ve completely lost the taste in everything, almost nothing makes me feel better, everything sounds usual to me, I’ve lost interest in everything.
Since 3 months, I started to get even worse, I lost the ability to sleep, even mom noticed that, I’m always dead tired, my brain is killing me, I literally have no control on my thoughts, yet I wasn’t telling anyone, hiding everything inside, as I always do. at the end, all that hiding turned on me, I’ve tried meeting new people, but apparently, they’er only worse than other ones, I’ve only got worse by knowing them, and yes, everyone red this part and thought of himself, yes, you’re one of them, because you won’t think about yourself unless you know you’ve hurt me once.
You’re the only positive thing I’ll be talking about, thank you for being there for me, thank you for what all you’re trying to do, thank you for containing me, and for all your efforts in making me feel better.
Recently I got really worse, I started yelling while I’m sleeping and getting muscles pain every time I wake up, I’m taking pills, anti-depressin, it worked somehow with me but it makes me feel exhausted, so I stopped them and actually now I’m on them, I can’t take it anymore, I’m really not okay, I’m completely not okay, stress is and overthinking are making me go crazy, I’m really weak, I’ve never felt that weak in my entire life, I’m even afraid of getting sick, because I don’t know what will happen then, I’ve lost myself, Hasan, I don’t think I’m in a level that words will have any effect on me, I need some real help, my brothers are far away from me, my old friends aren’t feeling anymore like close friends, almost everyone is feeling like a stranger to me, my state of mind aren’t well and it won’t be well for a long time.
I don’t know where I’m going, I trying to hold into the last bit of strength I’m left with to keep on backing myself up.
P.S. Rafeeq, I’m counting on you.
(17-Jan-2017 11:52 PM Ma’an)