It is been three years now, to be more precise, three years and 14 days, since everything started mutating in an unhealthy way, losing many of my abilities, to be accurate, losing myself, I have been struggling and fighting this for soo long I sometimes stop counting, and I cannot see myself going anywhere near goodness or anything would even relate to it, it is getting darker day after day, and I am stuck there, in this infinite darkness and all it is doing is eating my soul, or what is left of it.
If I want to start talking about the amount and type of thoughts I have everyday, whether at night or at the daylight, I can darken your soul as well, so please, be careful reading all this, because all I am doing now is turning all my dark thoughts to words so I can share them somehow and for others to try to experience what I am going through. Since I am a silent person most of the time and a frown is drawn on my face almost continuously, people cannot really tell what is happing nor they are able to tell if I am feeling good or not. It is just that I feel it is extremely difficult for me to phrase my thoughts and feelings into words and sentences, I even sometimes get shocked by them while trying to let them out, maybe it is because like ninety percent from those who are around me won’t be able to understand those thoughts the way I do, maybe because they do not have enough amount of information to actually comprehend what they are supposed to express and how they feel and this barrier always manage to stop me from expressing myself or what I am thinking about, for the sake of not being judged or misunderstood, avoiding this will save me a lot of pain out of overthinking which I cannot handle anymore of it in the meanwhile.
Since the last time I wrote something on this blog – which was actually about Al-Rafeeq, not me – I have been trying to write something else, to try to let out all the pain and sorrows inside my brain and body, for the sake of stopping all the aches which are conquering my body and making my life harder and harder.
Since we are talking about pain, let us go there for a while, let me try to describe this for you so you can manage to understand the amount of struggle I’m into. So as I have described it to Al-Rafeeq, it feels like teeth pain, it is huge though it is suppressed, you cannot let it all out yet you cannot take it all out, it just sticks there and keeps on killing you and weaken your body to the maximum, yet unlike any other pain, the type of pain I feel in my body seems to be impossible to get rid of as if it is trying it’s best to weaken my body to death, or what I will be talking about later on this blog, trying to get me to kill myself with my own hands.
Anyway, this is the best way for me to try to explain what type pain I’m going through physically, I wish there is anyway to express how strong this pain is and how much it is making my life harder, sometimes I end up crying because I really cannot take it anymore, it is killing me slowly, stopping me from even trying to enjoy any moment of anything whatever you name it. Wallah I wish I can wake up one day and this all goes away and never come back it is just so hard wallah. No matter how hard I try to run away from it, it keeps pulling me back even harder with even more intense amount of pain than before.
Sorrows, I have been using this word quite a lot it started to feel like any other word that is commonly used throughout your day, it is just stuck here, sabotaging every moment of my day, it pups out from everything, everywhere.
Byplay, while writing this blog, I am still not writing everything I am currently thinking about, you have no idea how hard is it for me to just let everything out easily, there is a war going inside my brain, and it is killing me one day.
Back to where we were; Sorrows, I have been experiencing sorrows for so long it become my comfort zone, can you imagine how bad it is now, I cannot even think of it leaving anytime soon, and I guess I will just have to live with it until it actually decides to leave by itself.
I can tell how random I go while writing, as I know my thoughts are messy and just pushing to get out.
Do you know evanescence’s song, where it says “there’s just too much the time cannot erase”? this is how it is going, time has passed though nothing has changed, not the severity of the pain not the amount of sorrows which company it, and it only grows bigger and bigger.
Sometimes I hate how random I go when I talk, when I am in a state of expressing what is going in my mind, but since you actually decided to come in and read this, you have to bare all the randomness in this blog, it is just a miserable attempt to let some of what is going inside my head.
I’m going to end this here, because I really can’t keep on writing, the more I write the worse I feel, I’m just going to ask you to wish me luck in this war I’m in, it is soo brutal I do not think I will come out of it in one piece, that if I ever get out of it.