12th of Nov, 2022

I was sitting on the couch once I had the urge to write this blog, I was trying to do something to my friend when I told him that I have a party going inside my head, and then I kinda clearly realized what going inside my head. or what is going on overall, it’s nothing but me going under the effect of time and events that are happening somehow only for the sake of keeping me busy as much as possible, to keep the fact that I am filled with sadness and sorrows to a really messed up level.

The other day, I was going home with my friend when I had one sudden panic attack and started crying like crazy, and the only thing that was fighting to get out of my lips while crying is that I’m really sad and tired; That’s all, I’m just sad and tired. And if you came to ask me why am I sad or tired, really, I can give you like a million reason, but my only answer would be that I don’t know, I’m just sad, I’m so sad, so sad that it feels sad to realize how sad I am.

I truly have no idea how would this pass, specially with my reason job, it’s only killing me and making everything much harder, it’s keeping me away from my loved ones who used to ease everything on me just by existing or being around me, now I can barely see them, I want to quit and run away with myself, but there’s that one person I never want to let down, I know he’s fighting as much for me, and I want him to clearly see how much I’m fighting as well for him, and no it’s not work what I’m fighting, it’s things I promised myself not to do again for the sake of myself, and here I am doing them only for the sake of him and making him proud and everything.

Nothing is helping, I had one of the worst birthdays I had in my entire life, the one I thought it would be the greatest one I’d ever had, it passed completely while I was alone, I spent that day alone till I went to sleep, there was people whom I waited things from them precisely, and yet the did do anything completely, and I kept waiting, and honestly I’m still waiting, hoping something good will happen.

And frankly I just had the idea of what I’ll write next, it’s question – maybe – one of you readers have asked, why I only always write here my sad blogs and I’ve never wrote a blog about how happy I am, but really my answer is pretty simple; When I’m happy, I have a trillion way to show my people that I’m happy, and I won’t count them because I’d never finish, and honestly they are very few. But when it comes to me being sad, aside of the fact that it is my usual state, I lost the ability to show it, it’s just me walking around with a poker face not being able to express what’s going inside, not even a little bit.

And I’d be carrying all that sorrows on my shoulders wherever I go, burdening me like I’m holding the whole weight of the universe over my shoulders, it keeps my days filled with exhaustion and nothing but more of where that came from, and when I have the ability to actually start with the first barograph in my head and get my strength – or what’s left of it – to get up and sit behind the screen and open by blog, I start writing you this blog, and the other ones that have been written before it.

I won’t ask for help, not because I don’t want to be helped, it because nothing can help me right now, as I told one of my friends the other day, I’m way beyond repair, and all the people who tried to help me in the past years, their trials ended up with them leaving me, or should I say, running away from me. That’s already what I’ve once told some people, I’ve asked them to run away, to run away with their souls away from mine, as mine is way too dark and it will get to their light to somehow turn it off.

For a second I thought I’m being random, so I’ll try to stop and end this blog here, what I want to tell is that I’m very sad, and it’s literally eating what’s left of me, though what’s left is way much less than anything to be eaten, it’s going through my flesh and bones and it’s going aggressively, a lot might think I’m crazy writing this blog while they usually see me as a normal happy person, that’s just me hiding behind my bravest mask, it’s just sometimes I get way too tired I lost the strength to keep it on, so yeah, that’s the whole thing; If you have reached this part reading, I’m eternally grateful for the time you’ve blessed me with reading how I feel.

Pray for all those broken around the world, regardless that the broke are the most evolve, but yet they get really tired with all what they are carrying all the time everywhere they go to. pray for us.

I just want to drop off this feeling, it’s really hard guys, I can’t even talk about it with my closest people, and I have no idea how I’m writing about it now, but wallah it’s really tiring and I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what kind of help I need but I need some, PLEASE, wallahi I’m exhausted carrying all this, I don’t know how to phrase sentences to express how or what is it, but it’s just too big and dense, it’s too much yakhwaan!! and nothing seems to help keeping it away or ease it a bit!.

I’m so sorry for myself for everything that he’s going through, and I really don’t know what to do or where to go, and I’m trying, god knows I’m trying my very best, but nothing seems to work and I’m tired guys I’m really tired we7yat Allah!!.

I’m sorry.

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