April 10, 2020

We are out of words, we dig deep in each and every term in this wide language we have to try and express our deepest feelings and yet we come out with nothing useful nor descriptive. Do we actually need to keep on looking for those meaningful words, will it ever add up anything to our lives, will it have any sorts of warmth to our hearts which are filled with coldness and ice? Or shall we accept the silence and live with it? Drift away from everything and everyone, seek our own space if isolation and tranquility. Too many choices yet they are very few. We really had it with choices, we cannot take anymore, as if we ever got the chance to choose any from whatever we got offered!

Silence is the key? Or isn’t? When to talk and when not to!, to whom or we just let it be as random as possible! Do people need to carry our burdens with us? Should they? I mean it’s soo confusing. You are lost between watching yourself and watch others, those who matter! Those who actually had it as much as we did if not even more! I know it’s our war, we should be the only carrier for its damage and consequences, we cannot just go everywhere throwing it on others, that is not fair!!. But what is fair? How do you actually define what is fair and what is not? Is it fair what happened and what is still happening to us? Is it fair with all that pain and sorrows we had to keep up with throughout all these years!.

I do not recall any situation or an event where I managed to find what fair is! With all what I have seen and been through in life, I do not think I have the proper knowledge nor information to be able to define what is fair! How it actually works or how it is represented in life. We grief, we weep and we spend our lives coping with it till it drains the last piece of our souls, if we had anything left already, that’s how it goes, every once and a while, we stop being able to cope, we just burst out with words? Tears? Yells? or just an absolute silence?!.

Let it all out mate, it is just meant to be, it’s written and some of what is written can never be changed nor ignored. You cannot just wipe it off, it will have that smudge which will sabotage the scene blurring all whatever left pretty out of it. Bare the pain and inhale the sorrows, let it all in, no matter what you do, it is not leaving, it is sent for you, and what is sent for you shall never miss you, there is no escape, just sit still wherever you are and let it sink; to the deepest parts of yourself.

To be honest, the only thing that makes it – a bit – better, is that I still manage to write down thoughts, I still carry some of the useful terms to help me extracting those feelings in any safe way, for me and others, I still manage to write, I still find my words.

A matter after a matter, a person after another, a life after an else one, it just puts up more and more things making this burden we carry heavier and heavier until it actually breaks our backs, or shall I say it, -a straw after a straw- tell the camels back is completely ruined.

I’m sorry for whoever I managed to let down unintentionally, I have never had the thought if hurting nor harming anyone, I’ve always wanted to be a beautiful mark on people’s life, those who I have put an effort for, it’s just sometimes it didn’t work, and I swear I tried. 

I’m sorry for everyone and I’m sorry for myself.

I guess I ran out of word to keep on picturing my thoughts.

I’ll got back on trying to be silly and outgoing.

Comments are closed.