April 11, 2020

They eventually spoke music.

I see now, I might be over complimenting myself at the moment, but it is just too obvious, it does seem like the absolute language for us, those who are with huge brains and a huge sense of knowledge, Yet, with a huge amount of sentiments, no matter how hard we try to hide them or suppress them, they are always here; We do keep on hiding behind this mask, and as they once said – the bravest mask – but we cannot keep on hiding behind at, at least not all times.

We do quite a lot of thinking, almost all the 24 hours of the day, even when we are asleep, those idea which we cannot keep on carrying throughout the day, we manage to picturize them inside of our dreams, inside that powerful tool which we have, our brains.

We carry thoughts, sentiments, feelings and many more others which we cannot help but over analyze them, that’s how we naturally function, though it does not necessarily apply to all human beings.

I have never considered myself as one of – the most -, I mean most human beings, I see and feel a lot of people around me simply exploring and wandering in their lives, – the most – I mean; thought I have always learnt through my life, some trips are never easy for some. Is it a bless, or curse, no one can actually tell, all I know is that it holds nothing but more pain, agony and strenuousness, and such trips never get easier, they only get worse with time, that how they are meant to be, and I am not actually convinced that it makes us stronger – thought – I might agree on the matter of making us smarter, wiser, or to make it short and descriptive, sagacious.

But it makes us age in a very exponential way; In our very twenties, we look like we are going through our sixties!. And here we go again through the dilemma of what is fair and what is not, yet I will not go through that now, there is no good in going through such dilemmas or questions, we have much more things to go through, it just started!; Yeah it’s that thing again, where I feel like I’m almost got it, when all the words starts to jam toward my fingers everything seems to fade away, as if I’m being pulled veraciously with a rubber band, you don’t even get to glance at what you’ve missed, and that’s hard; Hard.  can only picture it like the moment when you finally got to reach the end of a dream you’ve worked your entire life to achieve and at the very last moment, voila! IT VANISHES.

It’s just quite frustrating and tiring, because unlike most dreams, this one you cannot stop yourself from not putting the effort of trying it again, it feels like it’s a must, it’s a duty to keep on trying, every. single. time. And that’s how it goes round and round in an empty circle, in which apparently you won’t leave for a quite long time. It is tiring you know, all that, what happens every time, what you’ve seen in all of your trails, you keep on seeing again, and it just never gets. normal to you, you don’t get used to it, it hurts the same – if not worse – every time.

I really don’t know for how long this will be, it’s just draining me. How much I can see, how much I can feel and how much I manage to think of, all the evil in this world, all the unpleasant events and behavior we encounter with others or we simply absorb, it only makes it harder all the Why’s and How’s we keep on asking all the bloody time, how our minds and brains wants to greedily know about everything and everyone, about each and every behavior or action made by others, it just keeps us wondering; Why? How?.

I wish I’m able to discuss such matters with someone, with a person who will talk to me sensely, without any condolences or whatever of that kind of replies, I want to discuss common sense, I want answers, actual, real and beneficial answers, I don’t want them all, I want some, It is hard carrying all that thoughts, all that amount of thinking and questions to be carried inside a single brain with no one around to help solving them or giving them the proper explanation or any sort of elaboration, I just need more sense, sentiments aren’t helping here, sentiments are never helpful in such conditions, we need common sense, actual logic which might help us understand all that, because if we stick to sentiments, believe me, I won’t be able to comprehend all that, as the sensing part of my body isn’t working properly!.

The only thing I believe it’s still functioning in a proper way is my brain, I don’t know how it managed to maintain this level of power throughout all of which I’ve been through!! it’s a brilliant remarkable part of the body isn’t it??. It’s quite sad to see myself discussing all that by myself, I need brains around me, I need; I don’t really know what I need, I need help, thought I have no idea what type of help I need! is it therapy? is it psychiatric, is it organic. This is really confusing.

And I really cannot keep on doing it by my own, I don’t know where all this will lead me to, I just know it won’t lead to no good, no good at all, I might be my only hand of help, because I did try others, and I always ended up helping them, if not with their problems, it would’ve be the problems I cause by the way I think and function, I cause more troubles when I’m around, specially those good weak ones, and those who I hardly keep on trying on keeping them away from me, I’m way too dark and frustrating for them.

For my sake, for others sake, I have to stay alone, this actually might help me solve and find answers for all those questions wandering and wondering inside my head, and at least if I didn’t manage to do so, they’ll be save away from me, I’m an extraordinary machine of darkness. I cannot have more people to take care of, I can barely manage to take care of those I choose to keep around, those I love the most; I cannot put more efforts onto others, I just cannot.

I will just pray for myself, I may find peace wherever I am and wherever I go.

Comments are closed.