19 Jan, 2023

The saddest thought anyone can have stuck in his mind, the terrifying idea of ending up alone, the fear of everyone leaving you eventually, that heavy fact of accepting everything you wouldn’t ever accept just for the sake that they stay, and ask that only brings more sorrows and sadness.

You’ve spent your life losing everyone you thought you’d never loose, and every time that happened, it only made you more and more traumatized, terrified that someone else will leave as well, and living your life carrying that burden could be one of the most exhausted things in the world, and you are already exhausted, fear, fear wherever you turn your face, wherever you look.

I’ve never wanted anything so bad the same way I want to feel peace, I’m done with wars and battles everyday, I just want one smooth day, I want to have one day where at the end I can just sigh of how beautiful and easy it was, I want sleep peacefully, I want to look at people with feeling all that fear of them leaving anytime any day.

I just can’t keep holding everyone begging them not to leave, I want to be understood, I want to be taken care of, I just want to feel that I matter, I want them to know what upsets me just upsets me without any twisted thoughts or ideas, I’m simple, god knows I’m very simple, and I swear I did learn how to express what upsets me or makes me sad, but they just won’t take it as is, though I have nothing else to say no anything else hidden, I want them to only know that this or that did make me feel sad and upset, I don’t want much from them, I don’t want explanations or any elaborations, I just want them to know and I want them to simply hug me.

I’ve been trying to stop crying before I start this blog in an almost an hour, but it’s just way too sad, how I just have to suck it all in so they don’t stop treating me the same way they always do, so they can tell me everything they want, SO I CAN RUN TO THEM from people and life, I don’t want to be left alone, I don’t want to be left alone, I’ve been left so many times, and I can’t take any of them out of my mind, it left a scar every time it happened, and it’s not just a scar, it hurts, it has been hurting me since each of them happened, and I just cannot seem to be able to shake them off, they’re over my shoulders, wherever I go, whatever I do.

I did some bad things in my life, but I swear I’ve never intended to do any of them, I’ve never intended to hurt anyone purposely, and no, I don’t deserve to live like this, I don’t deserve to be treated like this, I just one some love and care, just a little bit, I’m not asking for much wallah and I’m not asking for something that is hard to do or impossible, it’s just a basic human right, it’s humanity 101, it’s not about giving me what you’ve received, it’s about appreciation, it’s about love, it’s about, I don’t even know what is about anymore, what I know is that I’m not asking for much.

I want to be asked about when I’m not there, I want to be noticed, I want to be loved, I want to be taken care of, I want to feel that I matter, I want what any other normal human being want, simple human needs, and yet I’m not getting those from those who are normally responsible of giving such things, I know everyone shows love and affection in a different way, but wallah most of things are basic, like literally everybody does it the same way, it’s just some people aren’t do it at all, I’ve been alive for so long, and I just can’t find a convincing answer to this question, a proper solution to this problem or dilemma.

I don’t know where to go, or where to run, or even to whom to run, I just sit in my room and stair at the ceiling, with all that weight over my chest, not being able to talk nor cry, you spoke a lot, and nothing seems to work, NOTHING; But I’m tired, I’m way too weak to fight, I already gave up. I surrender.

Take care of us, we don’t have much space in the world, we try to create our own but it’s not easy as well. specially with all that exhaustion and sorrows taking over your body, not allowing you to function like a normal human being, all that SSRI’s you take hoping to have a normal way in anyway, all the trials, all those battles, all the fights you fought, we’re trying to have our own space in life, but such mission takes energy more than we can ever gather; It’s sad how even after all this, we’ll just keep wondering places we know we don’t belong to, having people who aren’t even slightly like us, people who won’t look at you the same way you look at them, it’s always be empty, void, absolute loneliness no matter how jammed or crowded you felt it is, it’ll always feel lonely to you, it’ll always feel empty.

And you know what’s even more sad, that till this day, after all these years, people still manage to disappoint you in the most brutal ways, it’s like everyone is competing with the ones before him/her who’ll disappoint you more, who’ll ruin your life, who’ll make you hate people more and more, more than you’ve ever hated them, it only traumatizes you more, it only makes you more and more afraid of people and what they can do, and what’s more terrifying; is what people can do without even a proper reason, or a reason at all, people are full of evil, and everyone is waiting for their moment to unleash their brutal monster on you, and yes sir, they’ll mess up what’s left of your mental health; If there’s anything left.

Whenever I thought that it seems like it’s getting better, a new tremendous messed up events occurs, pulling you a trillion step backwards, stripping you from yours strength, and leaving you to die slowly with your own thoughts, with all the Why’s and How’s, these questions which will never have an answer, and they’ll leave you handing there your entire life without a comforting closure to help you move on with your life; You’re never meant to rest, or even taste how tastes.

I don’t want much from life; I don’t actually want anything from it; though I only want people around me to contain me, understand me and care a bit more about me, because god knows I deserve it, I deserve every bit of it; And not just deserve, I need it, I live on these things, I’m way too simple and way to dead to ask for anything else from life, I want to be taken care of, I want to feel that I matter, I want to accepted the way I am, I want my feelings to be respected, I never want anyone to call how I feel Drama, I don’t want anyone to judge what makes me sad or what upsets me, because I’d never do that to anyone, I want to be taken as a whole, as a package, the same way I take everyone.

I’m a living person, a human being; And unfortunately, I was made of emotions, not from clay like other people, no, from emotions, and this exact person been through nothing but hell throughout his life, got nothing but consecutive disappointments and wounds, from almost everyone who came across his life, and if only people understands that and become fully aware how a person like this gets effected by what happens around him, it’s not actually him, it’s his mental illness, it’s his depression, anxiety, stress, fear, and many other messed up things within his messed up brain.

Be more caring, say more beautiful words; you have no idea how it can affects someone, how it can changes someones mode, an entire day or even an entire week.

Say nice words, give more attention to those who deserve around you, show your love and affection in all the ways you know, they’re free, and those around you could be in a desperate need of it, be the one who draws a smile on people’s faces, specially your loved ones.

*wiping his tears*

Goodnight! 08:23 AM 19 Jan, 2023.

12th of Nov, 2022

I was sitting on the couch once I had the urge to write this blog, I was trying to do something to my friend when I told him that I have a party going inside my head, and then I kinda clearly realized what going inside my head. or what is going on overall, it’s nothing but me going under the effect of time and events that are happening somehow only for the sake of keeping me busy as much as possible, to keep the fact that I am filled with sadness and sorrows to a really messed up level.

The other day, I was going home with my friend when I had one sudden panic attack and started crying like crazy, and the only thing that was fighting to get out of my lips while crying is that I’m really sad and tired; That’s all, I’m just sad and tired. And if you came to ask me why am I sad or tired, really, I can give you like a million reason, but my only answer would be that I don’t know, I’m just sad, I’m so sad, so sad that it feels sad to realize how sad I am.

I truly have no idea how would this pass, specially with my reason job, it’s only killing me and making everything much harder, it’s keeping me away from my loved ones who used to ease everything on me just by existing or being around me, now I can barely see them, I want to quit and run away with myself, but there’s that one person I never want to let down, I know he’s fighting as much for me, and I want him to clearly see how much I’m fighting as well for him, and no it’s not work what I’m fighting, it’s things I promised myself not to do again for the sake of myself, and here I am doing them only for the sake of him and making him proud and everything.

Nothing is helping, I had one of the worst birthdays I had in my entire life, the one I thought it would be the greatest one I’d ever had, it passed completely while I was alone, I spent that day alone till I went to sleep, there was people whom I waited things from them precisely, and yet the did do anything completely, and I kept waiting, and honestly I’m still waiting, hoping something good will happen.

And frankly I just had the idea of what I’ll write next, it’s question – maybe – one of you readers have asked, why I only always write here my sad blogs and I’ve never wrote a blog about how happy I am, but really my answer is pretty simple; When I’m happy, I have a trillion way to show my people that I’m happy, and I won’t count them because I’d never finish, and honestly they are very few. But when it comes to me being sad, aside of the fact that it is my usual state, I lost the ability to show it, it’s just me walking around with a poker face not being able to express what’s going inside, not even a little bit.

And I’d be carrying all that sorrows on my shoulders wherever I go, burdening me like I’m holding the whole weight of the universe over my shoulders, it keeps my days filled with exhaustion and nothing but more of where that came from, and when I have the ability to actually start with the first barograph in my head and get my strength – or what’s left of it – to get up and sit behind the screen and open by blog, I start writing you this blog, and the other ones that have been written before it.

I won’t ask for help, not because I don’t want to be helped, it because nothing can help me right now, as I told one of my friends the other day, I’m way beyond repair, and all the people who tried to help me in the past years, their trials ended up with them leaving me, or should I say, running away from me. That’s already what I’ve once told some people, I’ve asked them to run away, to run away with their souls away from mine, as mine is way too dark and it will get to their light to somehow turn it off.

For a second I thought I’m being random, so I’ll try to stop and end this blog here, what I want to tell is that I’m very sad, and it’s literally eating what’s left of me, though what’s left is way much less than anything to be eaten, it’s going through my flesh and bones and it’s going aggressively, a lot might think I’m crazy writing this blog while they usually see me as a normal happy person, that’s just me hiding behind my bravest mask, it’s just sometimes I get way too tired I lost the strength to keep it on, so yeah, that’s the whole thing; If you have reached this part reading, I’m eternally grateful for the time you’ve blessed me with reading how I feel.

Pray for all those broken around the world, regardless that the broke are the most evolve, but yet they get really tired with all what they are carrying all the time everywhere they go to. pray for us.

I just want to drop off this feeling, it’s really hard guys, I can’t even talk about it with my closest people, and I have no idea how I’m writing about it now, but wallah it’s really tiring and I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what kind of help I need but I need some, PLEASE, wallahi I’m exhausted carrying all this, I don’t know how to phrase sentences to express how or what is it, but it’s just too big and dense, it’s too much yakhwaan!! and nothing seems to help keeping it away or ease it a bit!.

I’m so sorry for myself for everything that he’s going through, and I really don’t know what to do or where to go, and I’m trying, god knows I’m trying my very best, but nothing seems to work and I’m tired guys I’m really tired we7yat Allah!!.

I’m sorry.

April 18, 2021

Years have passed by, it’s been way too long since everything has ended, yet, sadness will never end, I come to think that this is the only thing that will never, ever, end. It will stay here forever, and we will never be able to cope with it nor get used to it, it will never go smaller and it will never feel any better, it might just be covered with some other momental good feelings, but it is there, no matter what you do, or no matter you try to get rid of it, it will always be there, waiting for you to be done with those momental good feelings to attack back again and to get on your shoulders like a monster that is weighing you down as if you are carrying the weight of the whole world on your shoulders.

One of the very few repetitive good things that keep on happening through all of this time, is meeting some new good people, to compensate the ones who got really fed up with all your mess, all your sadness, sorrows and pain, all your weeping and all the good moments you ruin with how you feel and with all those ideas that keep on rushing your mind whenever you stare at the very corner of the room you are sitting in, or at any random object – if you are sitting in an open area – those very few seconds where everything manages to climb up from that valley where you decided to bury all that weight that have been tiring you all the time, it is just way too much and way too powerful that it climbs that valley no matter how deep you make sure to keep it, they come out at you like a tsunami, taking over everything that stands in its face, it is so crucial and monsters noting, literally nothing can stand up on its face.

You have been trying to keep it under control for way to long, you used to run from it to many places, people and actions, and the harder you try to run from it, the stronger it gets, it is like it is gaining all its power from your weakness and all that trials of running away, the harder you run, the stronger it gets, and here you are going into an empty circle where it only gets you weaker and weaker.

You might think to yourself asking, If it is getting stronger and more powerful from all your trials, why wouldn’t you just stop trying to escape from it and just stand still right there facing it? I would only have one simple answer to that naive question, it is that I am already to weak to face it or fight it, it is going to get me hard, I have once tried to do that, like couple of months ago, and believe me, that one time went horribly bad, I have done something I have never thought I will ever do. I have done it with literally no fair, I just laid down waiting for anything to happen, and yet nothing happened. And after all that, IT ONYL GOT WORSE!.

Maybe one of the major points I got out of that one time, is that I was not afraid at all!, and that was literally terrifying, if you just get to stop for a second and think about it, it will get you astonished of what happened!! it was something I could never describe properly, I do not know if it can be described from the first place, I can only say one thing about that one try, it made me go down the hill even more, and that hill turned into a mountain, a mountain so high I cannot see its top, I got way too down where I believe I will never managed to climb it back up, regardless that I am already way too weak to do so.

I literally have no idea what to do, I have been like this for months now, asking the same question, giving the same statement. I do not know what to do, I do not know where to go, I do not know anything, I am just wandering around like a homeless person, not knowing where to go or what to do, has no answers yet full of questions. And those questions just add up more weight to what I am already carrying, and it is only getting harder and harder, heavier and heavier.

That last time I wrote something, it was almost a year ago, exactly a year and 7 days, it is almost exactly like those days, and going back to what I have wrote back them, it was more expressive and more meaningful than all this nonsense I am writing now, but I am just trying to let go some of what pulling me down more and more, I am trying to move away from that train which is definitely coming my way to smash me with all it has of power and cruciality. There might be a lot of people around me where I can run to, I know I have mentioned earlier that a repetitive thing is happening which is meeting new people where you can turn and run to, but for the meanwhile, I would rather enjoy the happiness of the beginnings with those people, it is way to early for them to handle all that at first, let me at first appreciate their existence as much happiness and good energy I can give to them and then I can see if they can handle all of this. I have wrote in one of the last blogs that people should not have to deal with all of our sadness, sorrows and pain, but eventually, that is what friends are here for, old or new ones, good or bad, at some moments, it just have to happen, sooner or later, they will get to see what lays behind all of this, and I’m truly sorry for them and I am truly thankful for each and every smile, laugh or good feeling they have gave to me.

Love is great, love is good and love is wholesome, friends love. But I have said it before like a million times, it is way darker, like WAY DARKER for any light to be able t brighten it for too long, the darkness is just way too stronger for anything to come over it, they do brighten some parts of it, some minutes, hours or even days but unfortunately, it can never continue to brighten up this darkness.

I’ve once explained how I’m seeing the whole situation to a friend of mine, couple of them actually, in a couple of situations where we were talking about this, here is what I have said to the, here is how I explained the current picture to them:

I am in a big dark room, let us say a room that is 8 by 8 meters, this room is way too dark that I cannot see my hand even if I placed it in front of my eyes with my eyes widely open. This room has a light bulb, and this bulb is controlled with a single switch that is randomly placed in this room – of course – I do not know where it is placed. For now, I have spent a lot of time trying to search for this switch so I can turn it on, because once I turn it on, it will lighten up this room and all the darkness will just simply leave for ever, but as you can tell, I could not find this switch till now. As for meeting good people, being in a happy situation, being treated in a way I truly deserve to be treated with, getting a random gift because I once – randomly – said that I like this or that thing, getting a call with no reason but to check on me, getting a cute little message from someone I love.. you name it, there is a lot of events that can bring genuine happiness to your heart no matter how messed up it is. As I said, those events bring light to your heart, brings some light to where I am standing, and as I mentioned earlier, this light is way too weak to keep on brightening over the darkness that exist, but as long as it is brightening the place, I try to use it to the very last second of it to try and find that switch so I can turn it on and end all this darkness I am trapped in, but as I said, the switch is randomly placed in the room, and I have no clue where I can find it.

I have been going by this for way too long, I even managed to develop a skill where at least I can mark the places I have visited before so I can use the light time more looking into new places and unfortunately I could not find that switch, and – of course – with all the time I have spent trying to find that damn switch, I have lost a lot of power and strength, and let us not forget the messed up people who come to push you down or push you further from the switch which devastate you and you know how long it takes you to stand up from that push.

I am still trying to look for that switch hoping that I will find it someday, or maybe a miracle will happen, maybe there is a door on this room, and maybe a person – one day – will come in from that door knowing exactly where that switch is and turn it on and end up all this misery (Have I mentioned that I have never got to spell “misery” right from the first time, the I and the E, I even wrote it wrong when I wrote this sentence, I SWEAR!!).

All I want to say after all that, is that I am really sad, and my heart is literally full of sorrows and I really do not know when all this is going to end, and I will let you all pray for this to end, because I really lost everything; hope, optimism and those other words which mean the same!!

At last, I’m thankful for everyone whom around me, and I’m truly thankful for everything they are trying to do for me to cheer me up and make me feel better, I deeply love you all and I would give you all my heart.

I’ve wrote all that above without shedding a single tear from my eyes, because that is another problem maybe I will get to talk about it later.

The 18th of April 2021, 6th of Ramadan. 6:39 AM.

Abdullah Al-Faqeir.

April 11, 2020

They eventually spoke music.

I see now, I might be over complimenting myself at the moment, but it is just too obvious, it does seem like the absolute language for us, those who are with huge brains and a huge sense of knowledge, Yet, with a huge amount of sentiments, no matter how hard we try to hide them or suppress them, they are always here; We do keep on hiding behind this mask, and as they once said – the bravest mask – but we cannot keep on hiding behind at, at least not all times.

We do quite a lot of thinking, almost all the 24 hours of the day, even when we are asleep, those idea which we cannot keep on carrying throughout the day, we manage to picturize them inside of our dreams, inside that powerful tool which we have, our brains.

We carry thoughts, sentiments, feelings and many more others which we cannot help but over analyze them, that’s how we naturally function, though it does not necessarily apply to all human beings.

I have never considered myself as one of – the most -, I mean most human beings, I see and feel a lot of people around me simply exploring and wandering in their lives, – the most – I mean; thought I have always learnt through my life, some trips are never easy for some. Is it a bless, or curse, no one can actually tell, all I know is that it holds nothing but more pain, agony and strenuousness, and such trips never get easier, they only get worse with time, that how they are meant to be, and I am not actually convinced that it makes us stronger – thought – I might agree on the matter of making us smarter, wiser, or to make it short and descriptive, sagacious.

But it makes us age in a very exponential way; In our very twenties, we look like we are going through our sixties!. And here we go again through the dilemma of what is fair and what is not, yet I will not go through that now, there is no good in going through such dilemmas or questions, we have much more things to go through, it just started!; Yeah it’s that thing again, where I feel like I’m almost got it, when all the words starts to jam toward my fingers everything seems to fade away, as if I’m being pulled veraciously with a rubber band, you don’t even get to glance at what you’ve missed, and that’s hard; Hard.  can only picture it like the moment when you finally got to reach the end of a dream you’ve worked your entire life to achieve and at the very last moment, voila! IT VANISHES.

It’s just quite frustrating and tiring, because unlike most dreams, this one you cannot stop yourself from not putting the effort of trying it again, it feels like it’s a must, it’s a duty to keep on trying, every. single. time. And that’s how it goes round and round in an empty circle, in which apparently you won’t leave for a quite long time. It is tiring you know, all that, what happens every time, what you’ve seen in all of your trails, you keep on seeing again, and it just never gets. normal to you, you don’t get used to it, it hurts the same – if not worse – every time.

I really don’t know for how long this will be, it’s just draining me. How much I can see, how much I can feel and how much I manage to think of, all the evil in this world, all the unpleasant events and behavior we encounter with others or we simply absorb, it only makes it harder all the Why’s and How’s we keep on asking all the bloody time, how our minds and brains wants to greedily know about everything and everyone, about each and every behavior or action made by others, it just keeps us wondering; Why? How?.

I wish I’m able to discuss such matters with someone, with a person who will talk to me sensely, without any condolences or whatever of that kind of replies, I want to discuss common sense, I want answers, actual, real and beneficial answers, I don’t want them all, I want some, It is hard carrying all that thoughts, all that amount of thinking and questions to be carried inside a single brain with no one around to help solving them or giving them the proper explanation or any sort of elaboration, I just need more sense, sentiments aren’t helping here, sentiments are never helpful in such conditions, we need common sense, actual logic which might help us understand all that, because if we stick to sentiments, believe me, I won’t be able to comprehend all that, as the sensing part of my body isn’t working properly!.

The only thing I believe it’s still functioning in a proper way is my brain, I don’t know how it managed to maintain this level of power throughout all of which I’ve been through!! it’s a brilliant remarkable part of the body isn’t it??. It’s quite sad to see myself discussing all that by myself, I need brains around me, I need; I don’t really know what I need, I need help, thought I have no idea what type of help I need! is it therapy? is it psychiatric, is it organic. This is really confusing.

And I really cannot keep on doing it by my own, I don’t know where all this will lead me to, I just know it won’t lead to no good, no good at all, I might be my only hand of help, because I did try others, and I always ended up helping them, if not with their problems, it would’ve be the problems I cause by the way I think and function, I cause more troubles when I’m around, specially those good weak ones, and those who I hardly keep on trying on keeping them away from me, I’m way too dark and frustrating for them.

For my sake, for others sake, I have to stay alone, this actually might help me solve and find answers for all those questions wandering and wondering inside my head, and at least if I didn’t manage to do so, they’ll be save away from me, I’m an extraordinary machine of darkness. I cannot have more people to take care of, I can barely manage to take care of those I choose to keep around, those I love the most; I cannot put more efforts onto others, I just cannot.

I will just pray for myself, I may find peace wherever I am and wherever I go.

April 10, 2020

We are out of words, we dig deep in each and every term in this wide language we have to try and express our deepest feelings and yet we come out with nothing useful nor descriptive. Do we actually need to keep on looking for those meaningful words, will it ever add up anything to our lives, will it have any sorts of warmth to our hearts which are filled with coldness and ice? Or shall we accept the silence and live with it? Drift away from everything and everyone, seek our own space if isolation and tranquility. Too many choices yet they are very few. We really had it with choices, we cannot take anymore, as if we ever got the chance to choose any from whatever we got offered!

Silence is the key? Or isn’t? When to talk and when not to!, to whom or we just let it be as random as possible! Do people need to carry our burdens with us? Should they? I mean it’s soo confusing. You are lost between watching yourself and watch others, those who matter! Those who actually had it as much as we did if not even more! I know it’s our war, we should be the only carrier for its damage and consequences, we cannot just go everywhere throwing it on others, that is not fair!!. But what is fair? How do you actually define what is fair and what is not? Is it fair what happened and what is still happening to us? Is it fair with all that pain and sorrows we had to keep up with throughout all these years!.

I do not recall any situation or an event where I managed to find what fair is! With all what I have seen and been through in life, I do not think I have the proper knowledge nor information to be able to define what is fair! How it actually works or how it is represented in life. We grief, we weep and we spend our lives coping with it till it drains the last piece of our souls, if we had anything left already, that’s how it goes, every once and a while, we stop being able to cope, we just burst out with words? Tears? Yells? or just an absolute silence?!.

Let it all out mate, it is just meant to be, it’s written and some of what is written can never be changed nor ignored. You cannot just wipe it off, it will have that smudge which will sabotage the scene blurring all whatever left pretty out of it. Bare the pain and inhale the sorrows, let it all in, no matter what you do, it is not leaving, it is sent for you, and what is sent for you shall never miss you, there is no escape, just sit still wherever you are and let it sink; to the deepest parts of yourself.

To be honest, the only thing that makes it – a bit – better, is that I still manage to write down thoughts, I still carry some of the useful terms to help me extracting those feelings in any safe way, for me and others, I still manage to write, I still find my words.

A matter after a matter, a person after another, a life after an else one, it just puts up more and more things making this burden we carry heavier and heavier until it actually breaks our backs, or shall I say it, -a straw after a straw- tell the camels back is completely ruined.

I’m sorry for whoever I managed to let down unintentionally, I have never had the thought if hurting nor harming anyone, I’ve always wanted to be a beautiful mark on people’s life, those who I have put an effort for, it’s just sometimes it didn’t work, and I swear I tried. 

I’m sorry for everyone and I’m sorry for myself.

I guess I ran out of word to keep on picturing my thoughts.

I’ll got back on trying to be silly and outgoing.

To Al-Rafeeq

You're the last person on earth that meant to be a loser. nor you are the one who should think like that.
Everytime I think about the fact of having you, I think of how strong you actually make me, You came to me when I was in my worst cases
you stood by my side, and took me out of the hell I was living in, regradless that it still hurts, the burns I got from everything, and everyone
I litraly have nothing to believe in but you, I've tried everything with everyone, and nothing worked, NOTHING!
You are the very best person to know that I'm too tired to hold on anything, yet, allah is giving me enough power to hold on on you
I can barely hold on anything. You are the only thing that gives me hope, you are the only reason I quite doing anything that could effect you
in a way or another.
If you really think that you'll actually live alone, believe me , YOU ARE SO WRONG, I don't have to swear over anything, but I'm 2900% sure
I'm not leaving you no matter what, I really thank allah for giving you to me, and this time I'm not losing you, I'm done looking for someone to kneel to.

If you don't need help, I need help, and you are the only person who can actually help me.
You are the only person who knows what pain I'm in, you are the only person I text at 3 am when I'm crying, because you're the only person who'll tab on my back and ask me to calm down instead of blaming me for doing many things

You take my hand and push me to do what I have to do

And after all you've done to me, it was my turn to give back to you.
You are the only person I feel like I need to give back to him for the rest of my life, and wallahi, no matter what I do, I always feel
like I've done nothing, and always feel like I need to do more.

PLEASE, stay with me, and I promise with all my heart, I'll didecate my heart to you, and so as my brain, I'll give you everything I have
or whatever I could ever have.

I'll hold your hand to the end of the way, I'll keep on pushing you to your limits, I'll show you your way, and make sure you'll walk it
no matte what.

Every person on this fucked up planet god has sent him someone to take care of and stay by his side, and I believe that I'm the one for you

I'll give you whatever it takes, so YOU can reach what you're aiming for.

And believe me, I wouldn't do all of that, unless I'm BELIEVING in YOU.

I belive in all the power and enthusiasm you have, I belive of all the great thoughts you have in your mind, and I believe that WE can do it to "fucking" gather.

Those tears you dropped, feels worse than hell to me, and I'll do everything I can to make it the very last time.

???? ????? ??????

I am here for YOU
and will always be.
I'm just a little bit tired, same as you. So if sometimes you feel like I'm giving up, be sure I'm not, I'm just gathering up my shit again
to come back and hold you and put you on your feet again.


I don't remember the last time I loved someone the same way I loved you. so please don't take everything from me. Because YOU ARE everything to me, wallah you should see Hamzeh talking about how much I love you, he even said he wish that I can love him the way I love you…
This made me happy and sad at the same time. I'll just explain this later.

But what I see, that everyone is seeing how much I love you, the way I talk about you, the spreakls in my eyes whem I'm telling about you
the amount of passion in my tune.

I'll be giving you all this love by being sure, that YOU WILL REACH the person you are aiming to be.

Together we stand ya Rafeeq, Devided we fucking fall.

Being my own psychologist


I have no idea why you decided to click on the link and read what I’ve wrote; anyway, let this blog be an answer for all your questions that you’ve been asking for a really long time.

It has been a really long time since I last wrote a blog to talk about what’s going inside my head, maybe because I’m already running from what’s happening inside my head, or maybe whenever I recall all the maters and thoughts which felling my head, it only makes everything bad and makes me feel even worse, it’s been almost 9 months since the last huge bad event I’ve faced in my life, losing what I’ve been building my life for, discovering that some people who keep on telling you that they’ll stay by your side forever are a complete liars, hating some songs like “يا حلو شو بخاف إنّي ضيّعك”, and hating many other things while they used to be the prettiest things in your life, hating places, songs, colors, quotes, characters, even any small event which will remind you of someone who let you down while you’ve done a lot to him/her.

I’ve witnessed a lot of bad things in the past 9 months, I’ve seen how bad people actually are, I’ve seen all kinds of people, and it only made me more terrified from what’s coming, I’ve reached a lever where I’ve actually lost hope in everything, even sometimes my family, the ONLY one person I’m left with is my mother, I went back on becoming the little kid who’s crying because his mom left him in school alone in the first day, afraid, not safe, feeling like everything is about to steal his body piece by piece, that kids who only feels safe while he’s in home around his mothers, I’ve lost the ability to talk, to express my thoughts which are killing me.


The last time I’ve actually talked to someone about how bad I feel was when I was talking to my imaginary friend “صفية”, and I’ve reached a level when I thought that even “صفية” got bored from me and my situation, I’m completely convinced that no matter I tell people and speak myself up it won’t effect me and it’ll only make things worse, I’ve tried everything, I’ve tried fighting myself, I’ve tried thinking about anything other things to make myself busy, it’s just not working at all. I’ve been suffering sorrows since more than two years, I used to be a bit better, I used to feel better when someone only do simple things to make me and I used to get better, now I’ve completely lost the taste in everything, almost nothing makes me feel better, everything sounds usual to me, I’ve lost interest in everything.


Since 3 months, I started to get even worse, I lost the ability to sleep, even mom noticed that, I’m always dead tired, my brain is killing me, I literally have no control on my thoughts, yet I wasn’t telling anyone, hiding everything inside, as I always do. at the end, all that hiding turned on me, I’ve tried meeting new people, but apparently, they’er only worse than other ones, I’ve only got worse by knowing them, and yes, everyone red this part and thought of himself, yes, you’re one of them, because you won’t think about yourself unless you know you’ve hurt me once.

Recently I got really worse, I started yelling while I’m sleeping and getting muscles pain every time I wake up, I’m taking pills, anti-depressin, it worked somehow with me but it makes me feel exhausted, so I stopped them and actually now I’m on them, I can’t take it anymore, I’m really not okay, I’m completely not okay, stress is and overthinking are making me go crazy, I’m really weak, I’ve never felt that weak in my entire life, I’m even afraid of getting sick, because I don’t know what will happen then, I’ve lost myself, Hasan, I don’t think I’m in a level that words will have any effect on me, I need some real help, my brothers are far away from me, my old friends aren’t feeling anymore like close friends, almost everyone is feeling like a stranger to me, my state of mind aren’t well and it won’t be well for a long time.


I don’t know where I’m going, I trying to hold into the last bit of strength I’m left with to keep on backing myself up.

P.S. Rafeeq, I’m counting on you.


(17-Jan-2017 11:52 PM Ma’an)




Me while diving in The Forty Rules of Love

When I started reading this book, The Forty Rules Of Love, I started writing this blog, that was almost 4 weeks ago. Whenever I pass by a phrase which had an impact on me, I used to write down the page number that’s it’s in it, and at the end of each day, I open this blog, it was drafted back then, and write the phrase in it, so as the forty rules, I had a really awesome experience reading this book, it had a huge impact on my heart and on the way I love, it showed me love in another way, it made me realise that love could be whole separated world which you can amazingly live in it, enjoy each and every moment of it. Those who miss love in their lives should definitely start reading this book, Love is what we need in our lives to make it better, to make it even easier to live.

It was always like this. When you spoke the truth, they hated you. The more you talked about love, the more they hated you. Page – 33.

Rule – The Path of the Truth is labor of the heart, not of the head. Make your heart your primary guid! Not your mind. Meet, challenge, and ultimately prevail over your nafs with your heart. Knowing yourself will lead you to the knowledge of God. Page – 40.

Rule – Each and every reader comprehends the Holy Qur’an on a different level in tandem with the depth of his understanding. There are four levels of insight. The first level is outer meaning and it is the one that the majority of the people are content with. Next is the Batini–the inner level. Third, there is the inner of the inner. And the fourth level is so deep it cannot be put into words and is therefore bound to remain indescribable. Page – 50.

So you see, don’t judge the way other people connect to God, Page – 51.

Love is the water of life – Rumi, Page – 54.

Rule – You can study God in everything and everyone on the universe, because God is not confined in a mosque, synagogue, or church. But if you are still in need of knowing where exactly His adobe is, there is only one place to look for Him: in the heart of a true lover. Page – 58.

Rule – Intellect and love are made of different materials. Intellect ties people in knots and risks nothing, but love dissolves all tangles ad risks everything. Intellect is always cautious and advises, ‘Beware too much ecstasy’, whereas love says, ‘Oh, never mind! Take the plunge!’ Intellect does not easily break down, whereas love can effortlessly reduce itself to rubble. But treasures are hidden among ruins. A broken heart hides treasures. Page – 66.

Rule – Most of the problems of the world stem from linguistic mistakes and simple misunderstanding. Don’t ever take wards face value. When you step into the zone of love, languages as we know it becomes obsolete. That  which cannot be put into wards only be grasped through silence. Page – 66.

Rule – Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are in the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is best to find a person. the person who will be your mirror. Remember, only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you. Page – 72.

Rule – Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied. Page – 73.

Rule – Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to be farsighted enough to  trust the end results of a process. What does patience mean? It means to look at the throne and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be so shortsighted as to not be able to see the outcome. The lovers of God never run out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full. Page – 74.

Rule – The midwife knows that when there is no pain, the way for the baby cannot be opened and the mother cannot give birth. Likewise, for a new Self to be born, hardship is necessary. Just as a clay needs to go through intense heat to become strong, Love can only be perfected in pain. Page – 86.

Rule – The quest of for Love changes us. There is no seeker among those who search for Love who has not matured on the way. The moment you start looking for Love, you start to change within and without. Page 87.

Rule – There are more fake gurus and false teachers in this world than the number os starts in this visible universe. Don’t confuse power-diven, self-centered people with true mentors. A genuine spiritual master will not direct your attention to himself or herself and will not expect absolute obedience or utter admiration from you, but instead will help you to appreciate and admire your inner self. True mentors are as transparent as glass. They let the light of God pass through them. Page – 88.

Rule – Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you used to is better than the one to come?. Page – 101.

Rule – God is busy with the completion of your work, both outwardly and inwardly. He is fully occupied with you. Every human beings is a work in progress that is slowly but inexorably moving toward perfection. We are each an unfinished work of are both waiting and striving to be completed. God deals with each of us separately because humanity is a fine are skilled penmanship where every single dot is equally important for the entire picture. Page – 102.

Rule – It is to easy to perfect God, unblemished and infallible that He is. What is far more difficult is to love fellow human beings with all their imperfections and defects. Remember, one can only know what one is capable of loving. There is no wisdom without love. Unless we learn to love God’s creation, we can neither truly love nor truly know God. Page – 110.

Rule – Real faith is the one inside. The rest is simply washes off. There is only one type of dirt that cannot be cleaned with pure waters, wand that is the stain of hatred and bigotry contamination the soul. You can purify your body through abstinence and fasting, but only love will purify your heart. Page – 111.

Rule – The whole world is contained within a single human being–you. Everything that you see around, including the things you might not fond of and even the people you despise or abhor, is present within you in varying degrees. Therefore, do not look for Sheitan outside yourself either. The devil is not an extraordinary force that attacks from without,   IT is an ordinary voice within. If you get to know yourself fully, facing with honesty and hardness both your dark and bright sides, you will arrive at a supreme form of consciousness. When a person knows himself or herself, he or she knows God. Page – 112.

Rule – If you want to change the way others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn might throw you, It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses. Page – 135.

Rule – Fret not the road will take you. Instead concentrate on the first step. That’s the hardest part and that’s what you are responsible for. Once you take that step let everything do what it naturally does and the rest will follow. Do not go with the flow. Be the flow. Page – 136

Rule – We were all created in His image, and yet we were each created different and unique. No two people are alike. No two hearts beat to the same rhythm. If God had wanted everyone to be the same, He would have made it so. Therefore, disrespecting difference and imposing your thoughts on the others is tantamount to disrespecting God’s holy scheme. Page – 140.

Rule – When a true lover of God goes into a tavern, the tavern becomes his chamber of preyer, but when a wine bibber goes into the same chamber, it becomes his tavern. In everything we do, it is our hearts that make the difference, not our outer appearances. Sufis do not judge other people on how they look or who they are. When a Sufi stares at someone, he keeps both eyes closed and instead opens a third eye– the eye that sees the inner realm. Page – 141.

Rule – The human being has a unique place among God’s creation. “I breathed into him of My Spirit” God says. Each and every one of us without exception is designed to be God’s delegate on earth. Ask yourself. just how often do you behave like a delegate, if you ever do so? Remember, it falls upon each one of us to discover the divine spirit inside and live by it. Page – 181.

Rule – Hell is in the here and now. So is heaven. Quit worrying about hell or dreaming about heaven, as they are both present in this very moment. Everytime we fall in love, we ascend to heaven. Everytime we hate, envy, or fight someone, we tumble straight into the fires of hell. Page – 182.

Rule – The universe is one being. Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all in a silent conversation. Do no harm. Practice compassion. And do not gossip behind anyone’s back—not even a seemingly innocent remark! The words that come out of our mouths do not vanish but are perpetually stored in the infinite space, and they will come back to us in due time. One man’s pain will hunt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone smile. Page – 207

Rule – The world is like a snowy mountain that echoes your voice. Whatever you speak, good or evil, will somehow come back to you. Therefore, if there is someone who harbors il thoughts about you, saying similarly bad things about him will only make matters worse. You will be locked in a vicious circle of malevolent energy. Instead for forty days and nights say and think nice things about that person.. Everything will be different at the end of the forty days, because you will be different inside. Page – 211.

Rule – The past is an interpretation. The future is an illusion. The world does not move through time as if it were a straight line, proceeding from the past to the future. Instead time moves through and within us, in endless spirals. Eternity does not mean infinite time, but simply timelessness. If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment. Page – 216.

Rule – Destiny doesn’t mean that your live has been strictly predetermined. Therefore, to leave everything to fate and to not actively contribute to the music of the universe is all-pervading and it is composed on forty different levels. “Your destiny level is where you will play your tune. You might not change your instrument but how well to play is entirely in your hands.”. Page – 221.

Rule – The true Sufi is such that even when he is unjustly accused, attacked, and condemned from all sides, he patiently endures, uttering not a single bad word about any of his critics. A Sufi never apportions blame. How can there be opponents or rivals or even “others” when there is no “self” in the first place? How can there be anyone to blame when there is only one?. Page – 225.

Rule – If you want to strengthen your faith, you will need to soften inside. For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather. Through an illness, accident, loss, or fright, one way or another, we all are faced with incidents that teach us how to become less selfish and judgmental, and more compassionate and generous. Yet some of us learn the lesson and manage to become milder, while some others end up becoming even harsher than before. The only way to get closer to Truth is to expand your heart so that it will encompass all humanity and still have room for more love. Page – 244.

Rule – Nothing should stand between you and God. Not imams, priests, rabbis, or any other custodians of moral or religious leadership. Not spiritual masters, not even you faith. Believe in your values and your rules, but never lord them over others. If you keep breaking other people’s hearts, whatever religious duty you perform is no good. “Stay away from all sorts of idolatry, for they will blur your vision. Let Gpd and only God be your guide. Learn the Truth, my friend, but be careful not to make a fetish out of your results.”. Page – 246.

Rule – While everyone is this world strives to get somewhere and become someone, only to leave it all behind after death, you aim for the supreme stage of nothingness. Live this life as light and empty as the number zero. We are no different from a pot. It is not the decoration outside but the emptiness inside that holds us straight. Just like that, it is not what we aspire to achieve but the consciousness of nothingness that keeps us going.”. Page – 266.

Rule – Submission does not mean being weak or passive. it leads to neither fatalism not capitulation. Just the opposite. True power resides in submission—a power that comes from within. Those who submit to the divine essence if life will live in unperturbed tranquility and peace even when the whole wide world goes through turbulence after turbulence. Page – 292.

Rule – In this  world, it is not similarities or regularities that take us step forward, but blunt opposite. And all the believers need to meet the unbelievers residing within. And the nonbelievers should get to know the silent faithful in him. Until the day one reaches the stage if Insan-i Kamil, the perfect human being, faith is gradual process and one that necessitates its seeming opposite: disbelief. Page – 309.

Rule – This world is erected upon the principles of reciprocity. Neither a drop of kindness nor a speck of evil will remain reciprocated. Fear not the plots, deceptions, or tricks of other people. If somebody is getting a trap, remember, so is God. He is the biggest plotter. Not even a leaf is outside God’s knowledge. Simply and fully believe in that. Whatever God does, He does  beautifully. Page – 330.

Rule – It’s never too late to ask yourself, ‘Am I ready to change the live I’m living? Am I ready to change within?’ “Even if a single day of your life is the same as the day before, it surely is a pity. At every moment and with each new breath, on should be renewed and renewed again. There is only one way to be born into a new life: to die before death. Page – 336.

Rule – While the parts change, the whole always remain the same. For every thief who departs this world, a new one is born. And every decent person who passes away is replaced by a new one. In this way not only does nothing remain the same but also nothing ever really changes. For every Sufi who dies, another is born somewhere. Page – 343.

Rule – A life without love os of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divin or mundane, Eastern or Western . . . Divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definition, It is what is it, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover isa soul of fire!, The universe turns different when fire loves water. Page – 350

Abdullah Al-Faqeir, 11-Aug, 10-Sep/2014

The Forty Rules Of Love, Elif Shafak. Latest version