The saddest thought anyone can have stuck in his mind, the terrifying idea of ending up alone, the fear of everyone leaving you eventually, that heavy fact of accepting everything you wouldn’t ever accept just for the sake that they stay, and ask that only brings more sorrows and sadness.
You’ve spent your life losing everyone you thought you’d never loose, and every time that happened, it only made you more and more traumatized, terrified that someone else will leave as well, and living your life carrying that burden could be one of the most exhausted things in the world, and you are already exhausted, fear, fear wherever you turn your face, wherever you look.
I’ve never wanted anything so bad the same way I want to feel peace, I’m done with wars and battles everyday, I just want one smooth day, I want to have one day where at the end I can just sigh of how beautiful and easy it was, I want sleep peacefully, I want to look at people with feeling all that fear of them leaving anytime any day.
I just can’t keep holding everyone begging them not to leave, I want to be understood, I want to be taken care of, I just want to feel that I matter, I want them to know what upsets me just upsets me without any twisted thoughts or ideas, I’m simple, god knows I’m very simple, and I swear I did learn how to express what upsets me or makes me sad, but they just won’t take it as is, though I have nothing else to say no anything else hidden, I want them to only know that this or that did make me feel sad and upset, I don’t want much from them, I don’t want explanations or any elaborations, I just want them to know and I want them to simply hug me.
I’ve been trying to stop crying before I start this blog in an almost an hour, but it’s just way too sad, how I just have to suck it all in so they don’t stop treating me the same way they always do, so they can tell me everything they want, SO I CAN RUN TO THEM from people and life, I don’t want to be left alone, I don’t want to be left alone, I’ve been left so many times, and I can’t take any of them out of my mind, it left a scar every time it happened, and it’s not just a scar, it hurts, it has been hurting me since each of them happened, and I just cannot seem to be able to shake them off, they’re over my shoulders, wherever I go, whatever I do.
I did some bad things in my life, but I swear I’ve never intended to do any of them, I’ve never intended to hurt anyone purposely, and no, I don’t deserve to live like this, I don’t deserve to be treated like this, I just one some love and care, just a little bit, I’m not asking for much wallah and I’m not asking for something that is hard to do or impossible, it’s just a basic human right, it’s humanity 101, it’s not about giving me what you’ve received, it’s about appreciation, it’s about love, it’s about, I don’t even know what is about anymore, what I know is that I’m not asking for much.
I want to be asked about when I’m not there, I want to be noticed, I want to be loved, I want to be taken care of, I want to feel that I matter, I want what any other normal human being want, simple human needs, and yet I’m not getting those from those who are normally responsible of giving such things, I know everyone shows love and affection in a different way, but wallah most of things are basic, like literally everybody does it the same way, it’s just some people aren’t do it at all, I’ve been alive for so long, and I just can’t find a convincing answer to this question, a proper solution to this problem or dilemma.
I don’t know where to go, or where to run, or even to whom to run, I just sit in my room and stair at the ceiling, with all that weight over my chest, not being able to talk nor cry, you spoke a lot, and nothing seems to work, NOTHING; But I’m tired, I’m way too weak to fight, I already gave up. I surrender.
Take care of us, we don’t have much space in the world, we try to create our own but it’s not easy as well. specially with all that exhaustion and sorrows taking over your body, not allowing you to function like a normal human being, all that SSRI’s you take hoping to have a normal way in anyway, all the trials, all those battles, all the fights you fought, we’re trying to have our own space in life, but such mission takes energy more than we can ever gather; It’s sad how even after all this, we’ll just keep wondering places we know we don’t belong to, having people who aren’t even slightly like us, people who won’t look at you the same way you look at them, it’s always be empty, void, absolute loneliness no matter how jammed or crowded you felt it is, it’ll always feel lonely to you, it’ll always feel empty.
And you know what’s even more sad, that till this day, after all these years, people still manage to disappoint you in the most brutal ways, it’s like everyone is competing with the ones before him/her who’ll disappoint you more, who’ll ruin your life, who’ll make you hate people more and more, more than you’ve ever hated them, it only traumatizes you more, it only makes you more and more afraid of people and what they can do, and what’s more terrifying; is what people can do without even a proper reason, or a reason at all, people are full of evil, and everyone is waiting for their moment to unleash their brutal monster on you, and yes sir, they’ll mess up what’s left of your mental health; If there’s anything left.
Whenever I thought that it seems like it’s getting better, a new tremendous messed up events occurs, pulling you a trillion step backwards, stripping you from yours strength, and leaving you to die slowly with your own thoughts, with all the Why’s and How’s, these questions which will never have an answer, and they’ll leave you handing there your entire life without a comforting closure to help you move on with your life; You’re never meant to rest, or even taste how tastes.
I don’t want much from life; I don’t actually want anything from it; though I only want people around me to contain me, understand me and care a bit more about me, because god knows I deserve it, I deserve every bit of it; And not just deserve, I need it, I live on these things, I’m way too simple and way to dead to ask for anything else from life, I want to be taken care of, I want to feel that I matter, I want to accepted the way I am, I want my feelings to be respected, I never want anyone to call how I feel Drama, I don’t want anyone to judge what makes me sad or what upsets me, because I’d never do that to anyone, I want to be taken as a whole, as a package, the same way I take everyone.
I’m a living person, a human being; And unfortunately, I was made of emotions, not from clay like other people, no, from emotions, and this exact person been through nothing but hell throughout his life, got nothing but consecutive disappointments and wounds, from almost everyone who came across his life, and if only people understands that and become fully aware how a person like this gets effected by what happens around him, it’s not actually him, it’s his mental illness, it’s his depression, anxiety, stress, fear, and many other messed up things within his messed up brain.
Be more caring, say more beautiful words; you have no idea how it can affects someone, how it can changes someones mode, an entire day or even an entire week.
Say nice words, give more attention to those who deserve around you, show your love and affection in all the ways you know, they’re free, and those around you could be in a desperate need of it, be the one who draws a smile on people’s faces, specially your loved ones.
*wiping his tears*
Goodnight! 08:23 AM 19 Jan, 2023.