Years have passed by, it’s been way too long since everything has ended, yet, sadness will never end, I come to think that this is the only thing that will never, ever, end. It will stay here forever, and we will never be able to cope with it nor get used to it, it will never go smaller and it will never feel any better, it might just be covered with some other momental good feelings, but it is there, no matter what you do, or no matter you try to get rid of it, it will always be there, waiting for you to be done with those momental good feelings to attack back again and to get on your shoulders like a monster that is weighing you down as if you are carrying the weight of the whole world on your shoulders.
One of the very few repetitive good things that keep on happening through all of this time, is meeting some new good people, to compensate the ones who got really fed up with all your mess, all your sadness, sorrows and pain, all your weeping and all the good moments you ruin with how you feel and with all those ideas that keep on rushing your mind whenever you stare at the very corner of the room you are sitting in, or at any random object – if you are sitting in an open area – those very few seconds where everything manages to climb up from that valley where you decided to bury all that weight that have been tiring you all the time, it is just way too much and way too powerful that it climbs that valley no matter how deep you make sure to keep it, they come out at you like a tsunami, taking over everything that stands in its face, it is so crucial and monsters noting, literally nothing can stand up on its face.
You have been trying to keep it under control for way to long, you used to run from it to many places, people and actions, and the harder you try to run from it, the stronger it gets, it is like it is gaining all its power from your weakness and all that trials of running away, the harder you run, the stronger it gets, and here you are going into an empty circle where it only gets you weaker and weaker.
You might think to yourself asking, If it is getting stronger and more powerful from all your trials, why wouldn’t you just stop trying to escape from it and just stand still right there facing it? I would only have one simple answer to that naive question, it is that I am already to weak to face it or fight it, it is going to get me hard, I have once tried to do that, like couple of months ago, and believe me, that one time went horribly bad, I have done something I have never thought I will ever do. I have done it with literally no fair, I just laid down waiting for anything to happen, and yet nothing happened. And after all that, IT ONYL GOT WORSE!.
Maybe one of the major points I got out of that one time, is that I was not afraid at all!, and that was literally terrifying, if you just get to stop for a second and think about it, it will get you astonished of what happened!! it was something I could never describe properly, I do not know if it can be described from the first place, I can only say one thing about that one try, it made me go down the hill even more, and that hill turned into a mountain, a mountain so high I cannot see its top, I got way too down where I believe I will never managed to climb it back up, regardless that I am already way too weak to do so.
I literally have no idea what to do, I have been like this for months now, asking the same question, giving the same statement. I do not know what to do, I do not know where to go, I do not know anything, I am just wandering around like a homeless person, not knowing where to go or what to do, has no answers yet full of questions. And those questions just add up more weight to what I am already carrying, and it is only getting harder and harder, heavier and heavier.
That last time I wrote something, it was almost a year ago, exactly a year and 7 days, it is almost exactly like those days, and going back to what I have wrote back them, it was more expressive and more meaningful than all this nonsense I am writing now, but I am just trying to let go some of what pulling me down more and more, I am trying to move away from that train which is definitely coming my way to smash me with all it has of power and cruciality. There might be a lot of people around me where I can run to, I know I have mentioned earlier that a repetitive thing is happening which is meeting new people where you can turn and run to, but for the meanwhile, I would rather enjoy the happiness of the beginnings with those people, it is way to early for them to handle all that at first, let me at first appreciate their existence as much happiness and good energy I can give to them and then I can see if they can handle all of this. I have wrote in one of the last blogs that people should not have to deal with all of our sadness, sorrows and pain, but eventually, that is what friends are here for, old or new ones, good or bad, at some moments, it just have to happen, sooner or later, they will get to see what lays behind all of this, and I’m truly sorry for them and I am truly thankful for each and every smile, laugh or good feeling they have gave to me.
Love is great, love is good and love is wholesome, friends love. But I have said it before like a million times, it is way darker, like WAY DARKER for any light to be able t brighten it for too long, the darkness is just way too stronger for anything to come over it, they do brighten some parts of it, some minutes, hours or even days but unfortunately, it can never continue to brighten up this darkness.
I’ve once explained how I’m seeing the whole situation to a friend of mine, couple of them actually, in a couple of situations where we were talking about this, here is what I have said to the, here is how I explained the current picture to them:
I am in a big dark room, let us say a room that is 8 by 8 meters, this room is way too dark that I cannot see my hand even if I placed it in front of my eyes with my eyes widely open. This room has a light bulb, and this bulb is controlled with a single switch that is randomly placed in this room – of course – I do not know where it is placed. For now, I have spent a lot of time trying to search for this switch so I can turn it on, because once I turn it on, it will lighten up this room and all the darkness will just simply leave for ever, but as you can tell, I could not find this switch till now. As for meeting good people, being in a happy situation, being treated in a way I truly deserve to be treated with, getting a random gift because I once – randomly – said that I like this or that thing, getting a call with no reason but to check on me, getting a cute little message from someone I love.. you name it, there is a lot of events that can bring genuine happiness to your heart no matter how messed up it is. As I said, those events bring light to your heart, brings some light to where I am standing, and as I mentioned earlier, this light is way too weak to keep on brightening over the darkness that exist, but as long as it is brightening the place, I try to use it to the very last second of it to try and find that switch so I can turn it on and end all this darkness I am trapped in, but as I said, the switch is randomly placed in the room, and I have no clue where I can find it.
I have been going by this for way too long, I even managed to develop a skill where at least I can mark the places I have visited before so I can use the light time more looking into new places and unfortunately I could not find that switch, and – of course – with all the time I have spent trying to find that damn switch, I have lost a lot of power and strength, and let us not forget the messed up people who come to push you down or push you further from the switch which devastate you and you know how long it takes you to stand up from that push.
I am still trying to look for that switch hoping that I will find it someday, or maybe a miracle will happen, maybe there is a door on this room, and maybe a person – one day – will come in from that door knowing exactly where that switch is and turn it on and end up all this misery (Have I mentioned that I have never got to spell “misery” right from the first time, the I and the E, I even wrote it wrong when I wrote this sentence, I SWEAR!!).
All I want to say after all that, is that I am really sad, and my heart is literally full of sorrows and I really do not know when all this is going to end, and I will let you all pray for this to end, because I really lost everything; hope, optimism and those other words which mean the same!!
At last, I’m thankful for everyone whom around me, and I’m truly thankful for everything they are trying to do for me to cheer me up and make me feel better, I deeply love you all and I would give you all my heart.
I’ve wrote all that above without shedding a single tear from my eyes, because that is another problem maybe I will get to talk about it later.
The 18th of April 2021, 6th of Ramadan. 6:39 AM.